Wednesday, March 26, 2008

It's the end of the world as we know it

The Screening Room
Specially written for What's Up



Check your corners.

That’s one of the many things viewers learn after watching “Doomsday,” Neil Marshall’s deadly virus gore flick that hit theaters this weekend.

Other lessons?

You should never trust a furious quarantine zone survivor, and bad guys with mohawks are never really as hard to outrun as they seem.

Oh yeah, and don’t mess with Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra).

The girl’s got some issues.

“Doomsday” enters the overcrowded realm of contagion cinema with a bloody, bloody bang.

Just ask the cute little rabbit pulverized by a machine gun for venturing for some carrots too close to danger.

But despite taking a crack at an effort made many times over, “Doomsday” makes an impact, one with understated humor that leaves its audience jonesin’ for a car chase and a good cigarette.

It’s set in Great Britain in the near future, when much of Scotland’s population has been quarantined and left for dead after the spread of the Reaper Virus.

But years after the British government assumes the plague is dead and gone, it once again raises its ugly, bubonic head, this time threatening the whole of society, and Eden Sinclair is issued a challenge: Go back into the hot zone and find the cure, because P.S., we’ve been hiding the fact that there are survivors from this virus’ first graveyard go-round.

Eden and her crew venture across the quarantine border, where, surprise-of-all-surprises, a ragtag group with a bone to pick is happy to offer a bloody, bashing welcome.

What’s left of Glasgow has become a place of “social disorder,” better described as the breeding ground for drugs, sex and rock and roll. Oh yeah, and cannibalism, natch.

The survivors are led by Saul, one radical bad guy in a world of chaos, anarchy, fishnets and fire who at one point actually tosses plates to a hungry crowd in pure rock star fashion as they hoist a man above an oversized barbecue, tongues wagging for white meat.

(It was at this point a distinguished elderly couple excused themselves from the theater and did not return.)

But Eden isn’t intimidated by the Lost Boys gone wild, and she manages to find Kane (Malcolm McDowell), who is believed to have the key to outliving the plague.

“In the land of the infected, the immune man is king,” is Kane’s veiled “buzz-off” to Eden, so the born-to-be-bad powerhouse manages to travel between worlds of medieval warfare, post-apocalyptic raves, gas masks and marshall law, all the while leaving a series of awesome explosions and bloody body parts in the wake of one sick set of wheels.

In a genre where the killer disease is a widespread lack of ingenuity, “Doomsday” takes the bloody cake but, takes itself just seriously enough to make the audience’s time worthwhile.

In the beginning, there was 10,000 B.C. ...

... and the world saw it was not so good

The Screening Room
Specially written for What's Up



If anything proves the point that looks can be deceiving, “10,000 B.C.” is it.

Down to its name the movie begs to be measured in epic proportions, but the only epic thing about the flick is its green-screen action time, which after nearly two hours becomes a mind-numbing parade of digital effects as exciting as a blase blind date.

The celluloid snoozefest follows D’Leh (an easy-on-the-eyes Steven Strait who’s valiant thespian efforts prove ultimately futile) as he journeys far from home to save the woman he loves and keep his village from being extinguished by civilizations bigger than their own.

Though D’Leh pulls off what could be described as the biggest cinematic slave coup depicted since “Ben Hur,” his story fails to register, and the writing at times puts a cringe on your face like you’ve just discovered your beard for the evening is still spinning REO Speedwagon in his teal Geo Prism.

By far the most redeeming parts of this epic flub are the green-screen creations, CGI works of animalistic art that bring the only whiffs of excitement and surprise to the table. As D’Leh tracks the tribe of slave drivers who have kidnapped his beloved Evolet (Camilla Belle), he faces breathtaking wooly mammoths, a saber-toothed tiger and some startling voracious ostriches that would have been better spent appearing on the island of ABC’s “Lost.” But alas, all of these big screen blockades are slain with the muscly thrust of a spear, and the Apocalypto-wannabe blunder reverts back to its predictably weary ways.

Belle, who’s sharpened her acting chops in the past against greats like Daniel Day-Lewis (“The Ballad of Jack and Rose”), is potential talent wasted, always being jostled by one pair of burly, half-clothed brutes or another, and the script has dialogue even Samuel L. Jackson would reject.

At one point D’Leh leans to his damsel in primordial distress and says “I’ll never leave you again,” only to call out to her not three minutes later “I will come back for you, I promise.”

No wonder they faced extinction.

D’Leh’s entire journey leads to a final battle of seemingly fantastic proportions, until it is stopped so short the audience is sent reeling.

Directed by Roland Emmerich (“The Day After Tomorrow,” “Independence Day”), and written by Emmerich and Harald Kloser, “10,000 B.C.” palpably attempts to breathe life into a people now vanquished, and instead falls colossally flat.

But the point this failing picture makes is certainly far from moot.

Like even the most buzzed-about silver screen depictions of the greatest of civilizations — or a really bad date — there are just some moments in our history we should never resurrect.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

'Semi-Pro' makes the cut - by the skin of its afro


The Screening Room
Specially written for What's Up

If you’ve seen “Anchorman,” “Talledega Nights” or “Blades of Glory,” you’ve pretty much already seen “Semi-Pro.” Just trade out the newsroom, NASCAR and Iron Lotus for the NBA, Woody Harrelson and one mightily afro-liscious head of hair, and you’ve got the formula for Will Ferrell’s latest silver screen farce.

Tagging in the same crack-up one-liners and slappy bit parts, Ferrell plays a familiarly cocky, schtick-weilding but affable narcissist, set once again against a backdrop of the lava lamps, bellbottoms and disco balls of ‘70s. And let’s not forget those short shorts on the hardwood. Of those, there are close-ups aplenty.

But as overdone as it may be, Ferrell still finds comedic gold telling the tale of Jackie Moon, a one-hit-wonder turned owner/promoter/coach/player of the down-and-out ABA Tropics, a Flint, Mich., basketball team on a losing streak.

But the team is one with a dream. That dream? Fourth place — just enough to secure a spot as one of the four ABA teams to become part of the NBA. With the help of washed-up NBA bench warmer Ed Monix (Harrelson) and Flint fan favorite Clarence ‘Coffee’ Black (Andre Benjamin), the Tropics fight the good fight to the top, overcoming a string of laugh-out-loud gags on the way.

Along with some hilariously deadpan color commentary delivered by Will Arnett and Andrew Daly, a painfully idiotic round of Russian roulette with “Saturday Night Live” funnyman Tim Meadows, mutany, sabotage, a host of glittering halftime routines and one gloriously triumphant vomit, “Semi-Pro” keeps viewers laughing to the final shot. It’s stuffed full of the ridiculous — think ball girls, a killer bear named Dewie and some epic granny-style shooting — that Ferrell fans go to the movies for.

Written by Scot Armstrong (“Old School”) and directed by Kent Alterman (“Elf”), Ferrell and his team are clearly in need of a new game plan, and “Semi-Pro” is perilously close to running the egotistical sports absurdity right into the ground, but audiences shouldn’t tune out just yet.

If you’re looking for an expletive-free hour-and-a-half of cinematic art, choose another theater. But for those with an appreciation for can’t-miss Ferrell buffoonery, snap on a foam finger, pull out the knee-highs and, as they say in Flint, get Tropical.

'Penelope' has a heart of gold



The Screening Room
Specially written for What's Up


“Penelope” sends the message of learning to love yourself, but viewers might just find themselves falling in love with this quirky family fairy-tale about a young woman with a pig’s snout making her way in the world.

While the premise is more than a bit offbeat, Christina Ricci as Penelope with a distractingly likable schnoz is a fresh and kid-friendly take on the romantic comedy genre.

Penelope is a lonely young woman confined to her palatial home by overprotective parents (the pitch-perfect Richard E. Grant and Catherine O’Hara) who think the world is not yet ready to see the mug of a swine on their beloved, blue-blooded daughter. To break the family curse that gave her the unfortunate sneezer, a host of eligible bachelors from the top tier of society come calling, but Penelope’s features send them all escaping through second story windows until Max (James McAvoy) seems to stick.

But of course Penelope’s happily ever after isn’t found until one scrappy paparazzo, an angry suitor and a Vespa-riding Annie — played delightfully by Reese Witherspoon — all make their marks on her deliciously adorable story.

Directed by Mark Palansky, written by Leslie Caveny and produced by Hollywood onscreen favorite Witherspoon, this Shrek-meets-Cinderella fable is a juicy, sweet and creative treat that sends its audience out satisfied. With one giggle-inducing proposal (Simon Woods, “Pride and Prejudice”), an escape from her imprisoning kingdom and happy adventures with some truly charming new pals, “Penelope” is an appealing little tale with a big, big heart.

The sweetly brave heroine proves it’s what’s inside that counts, and you can count this flick as one not to be missed. Pig snout and all.